Every time I watch Audrey sleeping soundly from a very looong day of endless play (and may I add lots of crazy mess hehe), I feel really guilty for not having so much patience and energy to keep up with her tirelessness and silly plays.
God knows how much I am willing to pay in exchange of any pill, potion, or even a spell just to level to her extreme energy and enthusiasm, so I'll never feel tired until she herself is already drained.
The Lord knows how deeply I want to engage if there is any possible way to lengthen how much "super stretched" patience I already have inside me.
***
These photo/s of Audrey breaks my heart terribly. T'was actually just one lame instance in a toddler's freaky topsy turvy mood. She was having crappy tantrums over something she herself can't figure out--you know how toddlers and pre-schoolers can be so emotional at times, they get insane moodswings even without any clear or specific reason at all. After a crazy tantrums mode, she ended up just wanting to video record herself like those kids she see in youtube.
It so happened that it was one chaotic day for me trying to put together in a day all the chores that needed to be done asap, all the orders I needed to deliver, and all the errands I needed to meet. I just sat down trying to rest for a while so I can get moving again, then she suddenly became furious throwing a really bad tantrums--would not stop nor listen no matter how I try to calmly talk her out. I lost my patience and scolded her telling her she will get reprimanded if she doesn't stop.
She eventually calmed down knowing its a "no win" situation at this time and with the fear of being locked up if she failed to straighten up. She was actually okay already upon starting her "video." Though it was evident on this pic that she still has tears on her face, she was actually in her normal silly self in an instant.
Yet, I hated myself that day. I hated myself right after she hit the record button with voice still shaky though calmed down already. I hated myself for not having a little more patience--no matter how small. I hated myself for not being a better "mom" (who she loves deeply and unconditionally) at that moment of instability. I hated myself upon seeing these photos and every time I see them. I actually hated myself until now.
So now I'm doing this "practice" trying to somewhat train or psychologize myself with/thru that particular incident. Everytime I get in the brink of my patience, I check out these photos of her reminding myself of what happened. I never EVER want to see her like that again, I never ever want her to feel that way again. Never.
She means the world to me and I am very much willing to give the world to her. She loves me deeply, faithfully, and whole-hearted and I must do my all to protect her from any pain or suffering much more if inflicted by me no matter how "involuntary." She deserves to be happy. She deserves all the good this world can offer. She deserves the best.
Everyday is a test; and parenting consists of never-ending challenges. I'm just thinking that if I feel like I fail today, thank God there's tomorrow to do better. To try again even harder. Lord, help me to be a better Mother ❤
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